Why Try? (Mature language/ May offend some people)
Mar 5, 2014 14:48:12 GMT
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Post by Logo (The Horrorshow Freak) on Mar 5, 2014 14:48:12 GMT
Don't think I'm belittling you guys at first, it's mostly a rant. And don't think I'm going to "go over the edge", it's just something I had to get off my chest.
After so much bullshit in life, one has to think, why try? Why give your precious time trying to be happy? Or trying to make sure everyone else is happy? It's no use to do any of these things. After you're pushed to a disadvantage and you're given the short stick and you have to push and pull and scratch and claw, for what? So you can rot in a 6 foot box with pretty white satin on the inside? So you can be lowered 6 feet into the ground and have a grey stone with pretty writing on it above your head that you can't even see? Why worry?
When the tragics of life get to you and you have to reset yourself, and readjust. When you have to go cry in that corner for hours on end for a simple word that was said. When you go look in the mirror and the reflection makes you sick because of a simple word that was said. When you hold that gun in your hands for the last time because of a simple word that was said.
Some words aren't so simple. Some words are a complexity waiting to confuse the next victim. Some words are a terrorist attack waiting to hit close to home. When you're forced to go from fun, caring, and loving to depressed, suicidal, and angry for one word, for one word, it's sad. It's sad when you go from drug, alcohol, and tobacco free to a weed smoking alcoholic that mixes his weed with cigarettes, it's quite a tragedy. What would happen if you saw this happen?
Now most will say "Help, I would most definitely help", well if you are what are you doing? You're sitting behind a screen reading a rant by someone you barely know, when there are probably 100's if not 1000's of kids or adults that need this help in your area, and instead, you just say "I would help", in reality you're saying "I would help but that's too much work. I'm lazy. I don't want to get out" and this and that and you think of every excuse not to help that one kid for your own selfish reasons.
What if I told you you were their inspiration? What if I told you that that one talk could be the difference in saving a life and watching a suicide? Would you do it then? Most will say "Yes for sure!" But in reality you will be like a sloth and take your time, say "tomorrow I'll do it. Next week I'll do it".
But there is no "Next week". There is no tomorrow. That one kid may have the gun in his hand today and you may bust in at the right time and be the savior. You may be that person that will be that kids step father, just because of one action.
And if you think that kid won't remember that come 5 years from now think again. That kid will remember that and tell his kids "Your alive all because of this guy that saved me." That kid will not die without remembering what you did for him.
Likewise, if you don't help him, and he ends up not pulling that trigger, he won't forget that either. For the rest of his life he will live in depression just because no one helped him in 9th grade. He will remember that no one gave a fucking shit about him and he will fall down again, whether it be 1 or 100 years later, he will grab that gun and pull that trigger. Not because he's bullied or pushed over, but because when he tried to commit suicide before no one helped him. Then that's another life that could've been something.
Now I have another scenario. Your diagnosed with cancer. You have 1 year unless they find a cure. Would you save that persons life who is about to jump off the edge if he didn't know the cure to cancer? Or would you save the other that did find the cure to cancer? Of course you would save the one that had the cure to cancer. Now, think about what I asked and how I asked it. I did not say you had to pick just one. Now that one kid that didn't know the cure to cancer is dead just because you wanted another couple years of living. I would not want to live if I knew I let someone die. I would much rather not know the cure to cancer if I knew I basically killed someone.
Don't get me wrong, I am no saint or martyr, for my answers through this would've been the same, at first. When some of these scenarios happened to me, I realized I cannot just stand by and watch people die. To those that have been just a second late saving someone, to those that never were able to say goodbye, you know how it feels.
When I was 12 about to be 13, my great grandfather was put into a nursing home. He had Alzheimer's disease, which for those that don't know really attacks the part of the brain that holds your memories, and some may even go back to old memories and re-enact them. I remember before he was admitted we kept him at my home, and he would whip his dick out and piss on the floor, wherever it was he was standing, then act like he would flush the toilet. I found it quite funny, because he didn't have to worry about anything. We would have to carry a bucket around behind him just in case. One particular day he got mad because we put a bucket in front of him and would piss on whosever face it was. Truly one of my greatest memories with him.
Shortly after, on August 3rd, he passed away. In my situation I go to my mothers every other weekend, and stay with my (dick of a) father the rest of the time. It was Wednesday, 2 days before I would go visit. 2 days before I could've said goodbye. I remember that I was forced to cry in front of the man I resented: my father. I remember how I still went to school after hearing about it on a phone call from 6:30 that morning and doing my daily work still, plastering a smile on my face so no one would know. That night I went straight to my mothers. That Friday, August 5, I was a paul bearer, on my birthday. The day that's supposed to be joyous, I'm a teenager finally! Woo! Was cut short as I had to lay the man who I thought of my father for 10 +years to rest.
That's when it all started. I started doing weed about 4 months later, and couldn't stop. Cigarettes were easy, I smoked after the funeral I was so depressed. Then, 7 months afterwards, I ran away. I ran trying to put all my fears behind me. I eventually got caught and my life kept spiraling out of control. Maybe I'll write a story about it one day if you guys would like me to (say below), but that's just the beginning of why I got depressed and fell so hard on my face I almost pulled that trigger.
Unfortunately, I didn't, and I had no one there. Alone and broken, I remembered that. I remembered that no one gave a fucking shit about me. I remembered that I was alone and was so close to being set free.
You wonder why "Unfortunately" is at the beginning of that paragraph? Because who wants to live in a world that's as cold and unforgiving as this one? Who wants to do these things? Who would want to live life as a guy that has no hope?
My point exactly. Though I vowed not to kill myself, I sometimes wish I had. Heartaches wouldn't exist, and nothing terrible could ever happen to you, perfect. Though why I don't or didn't kill myself isn't religious (for I am of no religion) I do feel a spiritual connection to why I didn't that day. I feel like there was a purpose. Maybe it's my mind making excuses, but maybe it's not.
After so much bullshit in life, one has to wonder: why try? That's a good question that is hard to answer. It's a question that I will contemplate for a long while before I ever find the answer, and unless your 75, you, the reader, will as well.
Thank you for reading a little bit into the life of Logan "Logo/The Devilkiller" Caudill.
Also, I have quit my personal demons. No more drugs, I haven't smoked in 8 months. The only thing I am is a social drinker. I stopped mainly because I thought of the things I stated in this little "story".
After so much bullshit in life, one has to think, why try? Why give your precious time trying to be happy? Or trying to make sure everyone else is happy? It's no use to do any of these things. After you're pushed to a disadvantage and you're given the short stick and you have to push and pull and scratch and claw, for what? So you can rot in a 6 foot box with pretty white satin on the inside? So you can be lowered 6 feet into the ground and have a grey stone with pretty writing on it above your head that you can't even see? Why worry?
When the tragics of life get to you and you have to reset yourself, and readjust. When you have to go cry in that corner for hours on end for a simple word that was said. When you go look in the mirror and the reflection makes you sick because of a simple word that was said. When you hold that gun in your hands for the last time because of a simple word that was said.
Some words aren't so simple. Some words are a complexity waiting to confuse the next victim. Some words are a terrorist attack waiting to hit close to home. When you're forced to go from fun, caring, and loving to depressed, suicidal, and angry for one word, for one word, it's sad. It's sad when you go from drug, alcohol, and tobacco free to a weed smoking alcoholic that mixes his weed with cigarettes, it's quite a tragedy. What would happen if you saw this happen?
Now most will say "Help, I would most definitely help", well if you are what are you doing? You're sitting behind a screen reading a rant by someone you barely know, when there are probably 100's if not 1000's of kids or adults that need this help in your area, and instead, you just say "I would help", in reality you're saying "I would help but that's too much work. I'm lazy. I don't want to get out" and this and that and you think of every excuse not to help that one kid for your own selfish reasons.
What if I told you you were their inspiration? What if I told you that that one talk could be the difference in saving a life and watching a suicide? Would you do it then? Most will say "Yes for sure!" But in reality you will be like a sloth and take your time, say "tomorrow I'll do it. Next week I'll do it".
But there is no "Next week". There is no tomorrow. That one kid may have the gun in his hand today and you may bust in at the right time and be the savior. You may be that person that will be that kids step father, just because of one action.
And if you think that kid won't remember that come 5 years from now think again. That kid will remember that and tell his kids "Your alive all because of this guy that saved me." That kid will not die without remembering what you did for him.
Likewise, if you don't help him, and he ends up not pulling that trigger, he won't forget that either. For the rest of his life he will live in depression just because no one helped him in 9th grade. He will remember that no one gave a fucking shit about him and he will fall down again, whether it be 1 or 100 years later, he will grab that gun and pull that trigger. Not because he's bullied or pushed over, but because when he tried to commit suicide before no one helped him. Then that's another life that could've been something.
Now I have another scenario. Your diagnosed with cancer. You have 1 year unless they find a cure. Would you save that persons life who is about to jump off the edge if he didn't know the cure to cancer? Or would you save the other that did find the cure to cancer? Of course you would save the one that had the cure to cancer. Now, think about what I asked and how I asked it. I did not say you had to pick just one. Now that one kid that didn't know the cure to cancer is dead just because you wanted another couple years of living. I would not want to live if I knew I let someone die. I would much rather not know the cure to cancer if I knew I basically killed someone.
Don't get me wrong, I am no saint or martyr, for my answers through this would've been the same, at first. When some of these scenarios happened to me, I realized I cannot just stand by and watch people die. To those that have been just a second late saving someone, to those that never were able to say goodbye, you know how it feels.
When I was 12 about to be 13, my great grandfather was put into a nursing home. He had Alzheimer's disease, which for those that don't know really attacks the part of the brain that holds your memories, and some may even go back to old memories and re-enact them. I remember before he was admitted we kept him at my home, and he would whip his dick out and piss on the floor, wherever it was he was standing, then act like he would flush the toilet. I found it quite funny, because he didn't have to worry about anything. We would have to carry a bucket around behind him just in case. One particular day he got mad because we put a bucket in front of him and would piss on whosever face it was. Truly one of my greatest memories with him.
Shortly after, on August 3rd, he passed away. In my situation I go to my mothers every other weekend, and stay with my (dick of a) father the rest of the time. It was Wednesday, 2 days before I would go visit. 2 days before I could've said goodbye. I remember that I was forced to cry in front of the man I resented: my father. I remember how I still went to school after hearing about it on a phone call from 6:30 that morning and doing my daily work still, plastering a smile on my face so no one would know. That night I went straight to my mothers. That Friday, August 5, I was a paul bearer, on my birthday. The day that's supposed to be joyous, I'm a teenager finally! Woo! Was cut short as I had to lay the man who I thought of my father for 10 +years to rest.
That's when it all started. I started doing weed about 4 months later, and couldn't stop. Cigarettes were easy, I smoked after the funeral I was so depressed. Then, 7 months afterwards, I ran away. I ran trying to put all my fears behind me. I eventually got caught and my life kept spiraling out of control. Maybe I'll write a story about it one day if you guys would like me to (say below), but that's just the beginning of why I got depressed and fell so hard on my face I almost pulled that trigger.
Unfortunately, I didn't, and I had no one there. Alone and broken, I remembered that. I remembered that no one gave a fucking shit about me. I remembered that I was alone and was so close to being set free.
You wonder why "Unfortunately" is at the beginning of that paragraph? Because who wants to live in a world that's as cold and unforgiving as this one? Who wants to do these things? Who would want to live life as a guy that has no hope?
My point exactly. Though I vowed not to kill myself, I sometimes wish I had. Heartaches wouldn't exist, and nothing terrible could ever happen to you, perfect. Though why I don't or didn't kill myself isn't religious (for I am of no religion) I do feel a spiritual connection to why I didn't that day. I feel like there was a purpose. Maybe it's my mind making excuses, but maybe it's not.
After so much bullshit in life, one has to wonder: why try? That's a good question that is hard to answer. It's a question that I will contemplate for a long while before I ever find the answer, and unless your 75, you, the reader, will as well.
Thank you for reading a little bit into the life of Logan "Logo/The Devilkiller" Caudill.
Also, I have quit my personal demons. No more drugs, I haven't smoked in 8 months. The only thing I am is a social drinker. I stopped mainly because I thought of the things I stated in this little "story".
